Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Gail is lying on her back on a boat-sized, brown twill sofa. As soon as we come through the door we can see that her left hip is dislocated; her leg shows the classic signs of shortening and rotation. She raises a smile and puts her left hand up in the air. Her husband Frank has shown us in, only interrupting his meandering description of the night’s events to take a pull on his cigarette. Frank has a face as red and slack as his tracksuit. His rheumy eyes check us slantways, and his chin is scrubby with the kind of perma-stubble you see in e-fit pictures.

‘To be frank with you – like I have to – it’s my name – hurgh - don’t worry, I’m always like this, I’ve had a bit to drink, it’s the weekend, so sue me. But hey – if you can’t have a little something now and again, well, what’s the world come to? Hurgh. Anyway, to be absolutely and perfectly honest with you, because there’s no point in lying about this stuff, hey? I mean, mate, we’re all adults. You’ve got a job to do. You need to know all the facts. And fucking hell, I mean, who’s hurting who? Hey?’

His mobile phone rings – the twangy guitar from James Bond.

‘Shit. Sorry. Gary? Yeah, mate. Yeah. The paramedics are here. They’re going to work on her now. Mate – I’ll call you back. No, mate. No. I’ll call you back.’

I take advantage of the interruption to say hello to Gail properly and take in the place. For the first time I notice that the walls are hung with dozens of small clip-frames. Hypercoloured photos, confusing at first, but then with a lurch seeing that they are of women – a woman – Gail – naked, in suspenders, or extravagantly zippered outfits, posing with a shadowy host of others, a Polaroid exhibition of proffered breasts, mouths, throats. In the whole room there is only one non-sexual photo, still of Gail – a crinkled up school photo, a little girl smiling demurely against a background of eggshell blue. Unframed, it is propped up against the DVD player.

Gail looks up at us from the sofa, a frail looking woman in her mid forties, pale freckled face and ginger hair. She is wearing pyjama shorts and a flowery t-shirt.

Frank clips his mobile shut and follows us over.

‘Gary’s such a twat. I don’t know. I suppose he has his uses. Hurgh. Anyway – I’ve dressed her for you, mate. Couldn’t have you seeing her in all her gear. Not that we care. Give you all a thrill. Well – you, maybe. Maybe not you (looking at Rae). Or maybe - yeah?’ He gives her a pouchy smirk, then blows out another litre or two of smoke.

‘It half killed her, mind. But she’s a brave girl – hey? Has to be, living with me.’

‘Don’t listen to him,’ Gail says, her voice dry with the pain and the alcohol, ‘He’s an idiot.’

‘So anyway,’ he carries on, ‘Just to put you in the picture. She’s had both her hips replaced, three months ago, arthritis. The right one popped out a month ago, had that done, and I’ll tell you something now for free – those bastards at A&E aren’t coming within a mile of her. Last time they broke her leg, like that’s gonna help. I want the consultant there to re-do this. I want him waiting for us, by the front door, with his hands out of his pockets, as we’re pulling up outside.’

We help Gail manage the pain with entonox, immobilise her, scoop her off the sofa on the orthopaedic stretcher and outside onto the trolley with a minimum of distress. Frank is a constant distraction, talking incessantly. It’s like having a puppy worry your foot whilst you’re trying to tidy up.

‘I drove lorries all round Europe. Worked hard, partied hard, different woman every night. Fantastic. But AIDS put paid to all that malarkey. I bought a pub in Deptford, ran that for a while. Then this geezer decided to shoot me in the legs, so I sold up, came down here. It’s not turned out bad.’

He squints at me.

‘I hope you don’t think badly of us,’ he says, as we load Gail onto the lift. ‘It’s been a while since the operation. A long while. A lean stretch, if you get me. I mean – I’ve been good, but there is a limit. We really thought it would be okay. So there I was giving her a right good seeing to and then she felt it go. Boom. I knew something wasn’t right because ordinarily she takes very good care of me. No complaints there. Hurgh. I remember, when I met her the first time, she looked me up and down, said – okay, mate, yeah, okay - took me home and tried me out, so to speak.’

He stands there whilst the lift rises into the air. Gail groans and takes another drag on the entonox. He suddenly seems reduced by the action and sound of the lift, the light spilling out of the back, everything. He flicks his cigarette off into the darkness.

‘I must have been all right,’ he says, patting his pockets for another. ‘We’ll have been together sixteen years next month’ At that moment his phone rings, and he starts, as if the patting woke it up.



BenefitScroungingScum said...

This sounds like a scene from Shameless, Frank Gallagher's wife Sheila being very fond of large adult toys!
What is it like to go into such situations, I'd be terrified of giggling
Though, given my recent mishaps this post made me wince!
Bendy Girl

Spence Kennedy said...

It is difficult to keep a straight face sometimes. But we had a good laugh afterwards.

BTW - I did alert the orthopods, and Frank was happy with that.

loveinvienna said...

Well, whatever floats your boat... lol! You just couldn't make that kind of thing up, it's so bizarre :D Fank sounds like a piece of work though :S AIDS, girls, dodgy guy on the end of the phone...

Liv xxx

Spence Kennedy said...

Hi Liv
Yeah - it made me laugh when he mentioned being shot in the legs - conversationally, as if getting shot were just another one of those mundane reasons why someone might choose to relocate.

I was impressed with the way she was handling the whole thing, though. She seemed to have great resilience. I didn't get the feeling theirs was an abusive relationship. I think she gave as good as she got - if you see what I mean...hurgh

S :$

Anonymous said...

Ergh!!! Was this making anyone elses skin crawl? Fair play Spence I'm not sure I'd have let him in the ambulance with us after all that!

Spence Kennedy said...

I know what you mean, L. Gail obviously wanted him along, so we just went with it. I did tell Frank that he would have to tone down his language when he got to the hospital, and not do anything to antagonise the staff. He got a bit sulky about that, but I think he understood it wouldn't help.


Unknown said...

Ew. There aren't many days when I'm glad to be single but on reading that today is one of them.

Did I say "ew" already?

mumof4 said...

You must have a poker face you use on occasions like that. I would have wanted to just knock his block off.