Wednesday, October 29, 2014

what the stuff

It was perfect. A dream house. The day we moved there were all these girls waving from the house opposite. Turns out they lived there! They came over and I cooked them breakfast. It was great.

God, what a house. One of the guys had a tattoo gun so we all lined up and he tattooed the name of it on our knees. I was at the end of the line and he ran out of ink, so that’s why it just says summe. But still.

It had a pool as well. I remember once it was so hot, we were all sitting round on these plastic loungers, the girls and us, and I said why don’t we put the chairs in the pool? So that’s what we did. Except it turns out the arms of the chairs were full of tiny spiders, and they all came floating out. I’m terrified of spiders, so I left them to it.

Have you ever been to Vegas? Oh man – you have to go! I think the trick is not winning or losing too much. Just enough to enjoy yourself. You make some, the resort makes some, everyone’s happy. Do you know what they say when you go in? ‘Have a lucky day’. Not ‘Have a nice day.’ Have a lucky day!’ That’s the difference, right there! And then the shows. You have to see them. There’s this pirate battle. It’s completely epic – but it happens every single hour. I got talking to one of the pirates in the bar after. I asked him if he ever got bored, and he just shrugged. I suppose if you weren’t cool about it you’d go insane.

Nothing’s what you think in Vegas. This one time I thought I was getting in a lift. Turns out, it’s a rollercoaster that goes round the outside of the building! How mad is that? The outside!

After a few days we went out to this ranch. Vegas is so crazy you forget you’re in the middle of a desert. So we go out to this ranch where they’ve got horses for hire, and we took a few out. I’ve not been on a horse before. It’s not as comfortable as it looks in the movies. I spent all my time rooting around in its hair for the off button. It was different, though. I had an all right time. But the next day, man alive! I’m not kidding, when I woke up in the hotel I couldn’t move a muscle. I had these shooting pains all up my legs and back, and I was like what the stuff? And I was all for ringing 911 ‘cos I thought I must’ve been bitten by a scorpion. But apparently that’s what you feel like when you ride horses. I won’t be doing that again in a hurry.


jacksofbuxton said...

The moral of that story Spence,is don't eat cheese just before you go to bed.

Spence Kennedy said...

Cheese, eh? Is that the street name? I scored some Mature Cheddar the other day. Man I was toasted

Blair Ivey said...

Oh, I sympathize with the saddle-soreness. When I learned to ride my stepmother insisted we learn to ride English-style: posting and the whole bit. It's actually a comfortable way to ride. While Western saddles are designed to be sat, even that style employs some posting.

Fun story: In high school I worked for a man who had horses and land, and one of the perks was riding. One horse loved to canter to the edge of the pond and stop, throwing the rider in. Yeah, he got me, too.

Spence Kennedy said...

I've only been on a horse once - a sedate stroll on Dartmoor with a horse who had to stop for a cigarette every half mile or so. It is quite a stretch sitting up there. A horse's back is surprisingly wide!

Love the story about the horse & the pond. That's probably why they moved it from that ranch by the Grand Canyon...